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Welcome Back!

And what a journey it has been. Bravo precious Angel for succeedingly not killing herself through the obsessions of turmoil. I mean that and bravo to anyone else that has made it this far.

They don’t give us enough credit. Before I get started on the nitty gritty, I would like to add that suicide ideation is not a symptom of bipolar disorder. It was in my study guide, and I find it incredibly false. Moving forward, excuse the tension as I have once again got into a self-defeating altercation with my narcissistic mother. Instead of beating myself up about it, as I usually do, I decided to start writing again. Here we are.In this past journey, since my last post, I am trying my very best to oversee this illusion. I have lost myself only to be found once again and have to start over previous progress. I have become further from God and possibly further from hope. I have no idea how close I will feel after writing this whole thing, but right now, I honestly feel like I am trying my hardest to survive. The pain is throbbing outside my ears as I imagine myself in a cold sweat; I believe this is what it would feel like. It may also feel like the suffering that comes from self-sabotage/the manifestations of your invaluable vibrations vs. the ones that are uplifting and “HAHA.”  I’m not dead yet, but Jesus Christ sometimes I wish I was because no one deserves to suffer like this. However, on the positive side (there is a positive side) I am that much closer to fulfilling my true purpose and helping all of those who go through this same exact pain as me. I must add, as I a not too far away from my 25th birthday, that hopefully, it is just a quarter-life crisis. That is what I pray for – A phase that will go away. As I say that, I think about my emo days and how they never went away, so let us remain positive. Positivity attracts positivity right?

There are a few things to cover before finally settling myself into the solutions. What is there? Love, Hate. Start over. Love, abandonment. Um. 1 more time. Love, Friends, Therapy, Abandonment, Fulfillment, Happiness, Abandonment, Exercise, Money, Spirituality. Like I said, lots and lots to cover.

If I were to do a surface reading for the things above in this message to myself and others, I think that would be good. Then, go into the in-depth on a different post. Just in case, I do believe in what I am saying. No amount of sadness or hopelessness would ever be able to take over my truth. Probably, the main reason for everything that intertwines with my existence.

Okay. Love. LOVE spelled backward is EVOL. Evil mother fuckers. Love spelled forward is “Love of Valued Entrance” (yes, I just made that up.) – This is what I learned. There is love, and there is desire. Desire can easily become confused with love. That feeling is what you call “infatuation.” Love reveals in time, and if you give lust or infatuation a chance, you will uncover just that. BECAUSE – LOVE IS REVEALED IN TIME.

In this short journey of 3 months from today. Starting in February 2018 to April 30th, 2018, I have dated many and uncovered that I know how to feel the love with those who are attracted to me. It started with one guy that re-opened that one key. He wasn’t even attracted to me (that’s love for ya).   There were others afterward of course – Did you know, that you can feel “love at first sight” repeatedly? Once you can feel the “love at first sight” connection repeatedly, and then you’re able to make people act like monkeys or vice versa, you can see the truth in people (or that one person). When that happens, its a matter of getting grounded and getting grounded fast. I will break down that entire story in another post – but for right now, let’s say that the feeling of love can exist, but it is not the foundation of the relationship. Some may call it a chemical, a soul-mate connection, a lost twin flame. I call it, the real feeling of who you are and whom you are destined to be. The flip side, is just, not as simple. This is where the identity crisis comes in because that is when you are the most vulnerable. This is where the connection is so immense, you can literally (I mean literally) see the energy leaking off that person when they are with you. It is that strong. It’s as if seeing the aura with the naked eye. It is intense as F**K. The feeling of love can make one go crazy. I mean, this is baby making connection at this point. So, it is always very important to be careful. Why? That feeling can make you blind to everything and anything around you. I honestly feel, if you were with someone you felt the love connection with and started walking down the street and got hit by a car, the only thing that you will remember is him (or her) being right by your side.

A quick reality check, LOVE doesn’t mean shit if you are in your ego and a selfish human being. That’s when love is control and control IS NOT LOVE. There are other things to consider in this state of mind, such as the person is dangerous. If you are not an empath or lack intuition – be as careful as you can, because some people will suck the life out of you.

Some do it because they are “in love” with you and some just can’t love without being selfish. It’s not their fault; you can’t fix them. It’s not your fault; you can’t fix them. However, if you put your rosy red glasses down for a moment, you might just be able to catch it. Then, that’s when you ask yourself, do you want to stay? That answer has to be found in yourself, which I am currently working on myself. Therefore, I will most likely make a post about it.

Don’t lose all hope; there is that infatuation that last and does have unselfish love. This is especially true if the guy or girl isn’t a bitch. Sorry, knows how to handle their emotions and doesn’t run away or get scared –

They COMMUNICATE.

I have yet to see this in the past three months, I have seen this last year and the year before that and before that. This is based on this year. I was recently falling hard, but now I am terrified. I mean, I have every right to be terrified if you have seen what I have seen in these past three months.

The feelings of “LOVE” happen when you are with someone special. If you have never been hurt before (or not as hurt), you will feel free, high, euphoric. You just had shrooms, acid, and DMT all at once and you didn’t die and actually had a nice trip. 🙂

That’s what it feels like when you are in love and are not tainted. When you have been tainted, you feel the maximum amount of anxiety, the disillusionment of pulling away and going forward (disorganized baby), you become obsessed, paranoid and like you’re on the brink of insanity. Then, you make a post about it because you know the madness will eat you alive if you don’t channel your energy. It can get real unhealthy real quick.

In the end, you have all the time in the world to see if you and this person are right for each other. Also, trust me, if you put those glasses down for a second and look past the “love.” You will witness your partner going love crazy while you try to contain your crazy. The balance will help you see the uplifting or detrimental characteristics of your person. Meaning that the things that are unacceptable/acceptable are more clear to you. Not only that but because 1 of you stays balanced, the truth comes out the fast. The more love, the more truth. It’s even more amazing in the beginning because the hyped truth (with the glasses down)  is so much easier to see because it’s hype. This is something that will happen at the beginning and the end of your relationship. So, when they show who they are the first time, please make sure to believe them.

This wasn’t even my love post; this was supposed to be a short excerpt. No wonder my teachers debunk my points for writing 500 words over the limit. Next is friends. If this is too clusterfucked for this part, I will make another post.

Friends. FRIIENDDDSSS.

Friends are better than family; especially, if you find specific members of your family your friends. I wish I could talk to my mom.Ha. Boo Hoo sad story. Anyway, Friends can be family. I don’t know what to say about my friends. I’m glad that they are with me. Sometimes they distract me from my lousy love life, and sometimes they help me in it.

There is something that I realized on this journey in the past three months. That is that I have some people I meet on a surface level and will never meet again. Do I mean to do that intentionally, yes? I feel because I already have my friends in place, there is no need for more. This is also coming from a woman that had to fend for herself in over 60 houses (moving) in her lifetime. Adaptability is must, new knowledge is another, but new incoming friends? They cannot be trusted. I had a friend that unfriended me the other day, and I thought we were cool! That’s okay; I didn’t want to be her friend anyway.

Yes, there are exceptions. I am not going to close myself out completely. However, there needs to be some love in between. I am all for love; you can love anything, even this rock beside my foot. Friend love does exist. Like the ones I met at school or even online, but once again, you have to be careful. There is also the type of friend that you get along with easier gender-wise. Yes, you can call me a little sexist. Unlike women, they are such complicated creatures. Men, they only want one thing – Girls want, I don’t even know. Guys are better friends. You get all of the talks you need to say, and you can have multiple for different occasions. You can do this with girls too, but guys! I can make guy friends all day without the “love at first sight” effect. Girls, on the other hand, especially the pretty ones, I have to repeatedly question myself if I am gay or is it just my Scorpio side.  They also have to be cool as fuck, and many ARE NOT COOL AS FUCK. Many are crazy as fuck! YES! I am in that category. For some reason, I vibrate myself in my women friends, and I am annoying. Do you know what it feels like to have girls that vibrate like you and seem to be you? It feels like, “girl you need help.” Then, you think about it and say. “God, I need to help.” Therefore, some girls are more like doppelgangers, but some girls aren’t as crazy. Some are so much more grounded and inspirational. The ones that remind me of who I want to be or who I was. Those are the new incoming [girl] friends that I adore; I hope I find more of them. That’s how it goes with the girls and the guys.

[tooltip_sc tip_text=”Therapy and abandonment have to go to a different post. “]Therapy and abandonment have to go to a different post. [/tooltip_sc]A quick preview would be that I have some serious abandonment issues. My support system reminds of-of Moneice on Love and Hip Hop. Therapy does help, as I have just started it through my school. My psychiatrist said that I would finally be able to get my meds (never had meds before) on Thursday and I am so excited to get this manic depression under control.[/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row]