As I sit here. Luckily after finishing my work. I realize that I have voices in my head. Voices that I wouldn’t find normal. Yet, they are there. Yet, when I seperate from them, I am afraid. I love the voices in my head because they are so uplifting and I wouldn’t be here without them. I feel that they are closer to me when I am my most vulnerable or able to be taken away. For example, spirits come when you drink alcohol and usually the ones that have had alcoholic habits on the earth plane. Thus ‘spirits’ but when they are here. Which, they always are…. I don’t feel scared. In fact, I feel the same feeling I had when I first came to see stuff. Stuff, that for once, seemed real. When I was an atheist, I became terrified and almost enrolled myself in a psychiatric hospital. I was terrified of sleeping at night and I hadn’t slept for days after learning about the ‘all seeing eye’ and watching a 6 hours straight of its satanism. I became so obsessed, by the time I finished watching repeated Youtube videos, I damn near lost my mind. I thought my mom was going to kill me and the way I looked at the world was totally fucked. I had no way to go but the bible. I already lost everything else. Soo. why not. I went to my friend and my friend read a bible verse to me…that didn’t do shit. I then got in the car to go home, still paranoid as hell and started writing a message to myself in my phone.
It wasn’t until I started writing that I felt the ever present prescence that just overshadowed all darkness with light. I bullshit you not, it was as if it was covered with an invisible veil. I felt it so hard, I could almost touch it. It was beautiful and healed my paranoia. I could finally sleep a full 8 hours vs my 1 hour a day naps.
This presence that I get….. it’s the same presence I feel when I am drunk and it speaks to me and guides me. In this weird fuckng way, I shit you not. It makes me cry profusely when I hear it, during any substance break, and music just makes it insane. I don’t want to wish it to go away, because it’s not harming at all. It’s actually quite intelligent. It draws pictures – that’s one way it communicates. The other way is writing. I don’t know when it’s me or them anymore. It is like having 2 pairs of eyes. Unlike now, I am not sober. I have drank my 4th or 5th glass of wine – listening to ‘Lolawolf-Bitch’ on spotify. I don’t see the 2 planes as much, unless that’s my goal, of seeing 2 seperate planes. On the other hand, my connection to the schitzo or whatever the hell this is, I can see it clearly whilst intoxicated.. I feel like sometimes…. I would be happier blind – GOD Forbid!!!!
In fact, I can see the dance moves in my mind. The thoughts on the paper before written. I hope I’m not losing my fucking mind. As I write that, I am like ‘they’re listening’ hahaa. It’s not really that funny when you see it like that, but in my head…I can feel that they find it hilarious. I hope its not some disasccociation disorder. Man, I am probably diagnosed with every mental disorder right now.
Let’s just do a quick decode of what they’re capable of: for example – nothing is a coincidence by the way. Lolawolf – Bitch
“I slept in the darkness, it was lonely, and it was silent > desperation for some answers
What is this love?” > desperation for love
You, you make me feel > This is exactly how I feel when they speak to me.
So brand new
When you talk about me > When you write about me, realize your not alone (2x) (They said that)
You’re not alone
When you talk about me
Talk about me
Who’s the bad ass bitch that nobody heard that everybody heard of? > Nobody knows who I am and if they did, they didn’t know this was going on
Now everybody heard that? > you hear that
Now everybody heard of? > you hear me now…people
(x4)
Do, do what you want >>> Express self and show who you are and become free through that
I’ll do it too > to influence others to be themselves too
You have the walk and you’re talking it too > keep going, it’ll normalize till the next growth stage
When you hear about me, I heard it too > I hear it too. They see the translation (meaning you)
When you hear about, you’ll hear about me > when you realize the translation, they realize somethings ‘happening’ (meaning you)
Who’s the bad ass bitch that nobody heard that everybody heard of? > nobody knows me, nobody knows whats going on with me and the deep inner self
Now everybody hear that? > See it now
Now everybody heard? Now you do
You see, they speak through the music especially. They get deep and always come at the perfect time. The lyrics just speak. I mean, they are in everyday things too. It is very hard to ignore, when you say “I need a hug” and all of a sudden hear 3 peope say the same exact phrase, ‘I need a hug’ in less that 10 minutes. Later getting them in abundance. I mean, if that happened to you, on a daily with different things, would you lose your mind too? Or at least look at everything a little sideways, I sure the fuck would. And I am. At this very moment. Even sober, I can’t listen to music without decoding -unless there are no lyrics. Bwahahaha! . Decoding works on the news on the tv is like that too. Like that bitch lieing about secret societies in the FBI. Tahaha. He’s such a liar…blinking so much.
Anyway. They speak through the music and make shit known. Sometimes, I feel like I am just a vessel for something else. I know I have a purpose on earth, yes…but this is just… this is something different. As a psychology major, this is …really something different. I don’t know what the fuck it is. Yet, it follows me. Is it Jesus?! I hope it’s jesus. I like Jesus, I don’t follow any religion specifically, but I like jesus. White jesus. I loooove white jesus, he is so cute.
Before I finish this. I do want to cover 2 things — dissascoiation discorer and schitzophrenia. I have never searched this before. Let’s see.
I do not hallucinate. In fact, not only do I not do drugs, but the acid trips I have done (3) were half a tab. I do feel things on the back of my neck sometiemes and the voice is a voice yes. Yet, it ventures, it goes into people speech and anything that has a language. It communicates through people, places and things. Mainly speech if I ask for a sign and in my head. They don’t talk to eachother. Although, I do talk to them a lot. In fact they told me to look this up. They talk in given situations. The main one, whom I communicate with the most, makes the entire world go fuzzy with my eyes. It’s like an induced out of body experience with my eyes open. She speaks for me when I can’t. This was an extremely serious scenario when I met this pastor. This is when I saw her potential. The guy asked me weird questions. I shit you not. I swear, I am free spirited as fuck, but this guy asked me something that I guess was ‘intrusive’ to ‘her.’ She stepped in, for her to step in unwilligingly and protect me like that, I promise you it was something else. This dude was evil. Only a pastor who is dirty, knows how to try to …I want to say… “hypnotize you out of consciousness” and knows how to do it. Man, I sounded so crazy. In translation. I was getting to know this part of myself and she only came out when I told her to. This guy, kinda summoned her. Or summoned me and she protected me. It’s complex. I hope the more I explain, the more I don’t sound crazy.
Moving on!
They are never mean to me. In fact, they always say – think with crown chakra when stuck. Although I do believe I am super with these ‘powers.’ I realize that I am on the earth plane, so all that movie shit is damn near impossible, but plausible. It would also defy earths physics. I don’t know about the new generation coming in, but for me it I definitely believe I am not telekinitic. Although, I really really reallllllllllllllllllllllllllly wish I was.
The cops and the FBI. Now, if I smoked some weed and grew. Hell yeah, I would be scared. I am not. I also believe there isn’t enough traction for “society” to see me as a threat. So, no not paranoid there.
Confused thoughts and speech. Yes. All they way. I am like this all the time. When someone is boring when they speak, I zone out… I’m sorry. I literally start daydreaming about something better, like taking there clothes off. Give me a break, this may be the 1 time I am face to face with them and can have that honor of imagination for that split moment. I organize my thoughts incredibly well and I try not to stress/give myself a stroke because I know in the end.. I will figure it out. I always do.
I havee trouble concetrating when there are cute guys around me. Also, when there is cigarette smoke, cute guy, food, cute guy and loud talker and I forgot to say cute guys.
I don’t know dude, I could be delusional making an excuse for each one, but I don’t think I am at least a ‘high level” schitzo. I love talking to people too. In fact, I think I talk to too many. They’re so damn interesting and pretty and ugly sometimes too, but I talk to them anyway because there is always something to learn and love about them = as well as a new part of myself.
Whatever I have, lets name it decodisia – the hallucination that you can see and hear things in things that can be seen in heard.. isn’t too bad. I won’t be able to do disasociation disorder in this post because I am too tired – but I can in a post later. I have to dream about answers and solutions in my sleep soon. They are calling me. I’m tired – Goodnight.
