I am terrified of exploring new places by myself.
Conversation – Me vs Inner me
Inner Me: Why
Me: There is rape
Inner Me: Is that fear?
Me: Yes, there is rape and no sense of belonging with these people. The lack of intelligent conversation because the goal is to get head or get ignored. It is like a breeding Tinder ground over all the places I want to go. Some men intentionally seek me out to use me and when I “notice,” they back the fuck up and leave me alone, which is great! But there are no men left?
Inner Me: Why are you worried about the men, when you should be having fun in exploration? Isn’t that what you want? You want to explore new places and new things, but you are worried about the meet and greet of men. Exploration isn’t about worrying; exploration is about figuring out parts of yourself that you didn’t know you had. Exploration is no different from you starting to crawl and then walking. It is no different from the first time you saw someone crochet a scarf and then figuring out how to do it yourself; later, unlocking a different part of you with every step you took to make your own. Don’t you remember the time you started to learn to crochet, but they didn’t have yarn at Target unless you got the knit pack. Then, you learned how to knit and didn’t stop.
Me: You are losing me.
Inner Me: The point is, you didn’t stop – you wanted to crochet. Then, quickly learned about knitting. You never stopped and obsessed until you could figure out how to knit. You couldn’t quit, even if you wanted to.
Me: Yes, but I had to do that. I had to figure out how to knit because it would be easier for me to learn to crochet and I felt like I could get it. What you said has nothing to do with my need for exploration and going out.
Inner Me: A big segment of this has to do with the exploration of going out. That was the day you learned never to quit.
Me: You are making connections that aren’t there.
Inner Me: You made a connection with yourself to not stop learning how to knit until you finished your knit project. You connected on that part of yourself. You unlocked a key of your spirit through persistence. “I AM persistent.” Now, you use this key in different things every day. All the way from the needing to make money to fixing your computer so you could play the Sims. Haven’t you noticed there are things you can’t stop and if you do, you would dream about it/wake up thinking about it? It calls you more till you complete it and makes you suffer immensely if you don’t. Your persistence is incredible; your persistence is the part of you that you now have everlasting access to. You can use persistence to reject something, like a trail of thoughts or even bring in something, like an action.
Me: Beautiful, but that doesn’t apply to exploration. I can kinda see where you’re going, but there is no persistent need for exploration.
Inner me: Don’t you understand.
Me: No, I obviously just said I don’t.
Inner Me: You can explore, with a tool of persistence or you can find what the tool you need for exploring – it is just finding it in a different setting. Exploration isn’t about worrying; exploration is about figuring out parts of yourself that you didn’t know you had. There is a tool to gain through exploration and gaining it through a guy is not the answer. When you learned how to knit, you didn’t gain that through a guy, you gained it through persistence. A drive, you had something, some tool in yourself, that was activated to help you finish that project. Different measures, different tools, call for different things and you have many.
Me: There are too many tools to choose from. Who is to say the tool of persistence is going to help me explore and stop looking for a dude to do that with.
Inner Me: Well, it seems that you are using the dude as a tool to get closer in the “series” of exploration. An external tool can be good, but it doesn’t exist right now. It also wouldn’t be very long lasting, because the power will go away when it goes away. You can use it as a training wheel, rather than a complete answer. In my opinion, you should figure out what exactly does this “ideal” male do for you that you can’t do for yourself. You want him to introduce you to a person at a bar, or even order you a drink? You can do that yourself. Sadly, this world is so into these norms. A norm can be good in terms of boundaries, but it can also be a hefty block; it wouldn’t surprise me that this is blocking what you need to feel alive for yourself. I’m not going to say that you have been brainwashed, but I can say that the “idea of needing a guy” has really taken a toll on your spirit. I can see as you get closer to yourself, the apparent block is literally on the part of you that you need to survive on the realms of your “true” reality and it is happening much more often because you are closer. Meaning, the block has become weaker over time, and you’re tunnel vision has healed some, making your purpose/true vision more apparent; finally, seeing yourself out of such male agony, but there is still work to do. The way that you see now isn’t your vision, and you know that, which is a key part of why you want to explore. More use of men is just going to stray you a few more steps of what you are trying to see for yourself. Realize that seeing for yourself is always good enough for what you are trying to see. In terms of norms, that’s what norms are supposed to do so that you can break free. They serve their purpose by doing just that. You still have the feelings in your heart, and they are real feelings, but this block of a norm (of needing someone) has been so ingrained into your vision and its not even your vision. It is not the natural you, and it wasn’t always like this. It’s as if you feel & speak a true language and as soon as it is made aware of, a Google translator spins it to the hardest language known to man, mistranslating it on purpose. When it translated back, your automatic response is “I need to be with a man to do these things” AKA I need a Google translator. What you are supposed to understand is that there is not to be a Google translator at all. You get it perfectly fine with your true language, and the Google translator makes it more cloudy because it’s not your truth. Yet, I understand, as it seems your language on earth is flipped upside down. The point of exploration is to figure out how to make it right side up and figuring out which “tools” allow that to happen.
Me: I guess you are right, does this mean I will never have a boyfriend and I am made to be single forever and just explore?
Inner Me: No. Although these things lead to a lot of doubt, it’s not about that at all. Men and women are great; they wouldn’t be on this planet if they weren’t. Some are evil, some are not, but you are you. Your new goal is to explore and find the tool, the drive, the part, that makes you open your eyes or even makes you dream (literally) and understand what, where, why and how you are exploring. When you figure that out, that tool can be used through you for eternity.
