[vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text]I sit back thinking of my life full of sin and how much I like it. Anything I do feels like a sin since I am such a big fuck up. Don’t get me wrong though, I love myself, but there are still parts of me that I need to get used to. Not only do I have to get used to me, but I have to get right with Jesus. Jesus shouldn’t be called Christianity. He should be called “the only one I know to get me out of this shit.” I mean that very seriously and from all angles Me against Me, Me against You and Me against That. That shouldn’t be called Christianity, but it is. However, just the term “Christianity” leads me to detachment of what others try to tell me.
There is such evil connotation from 1 word that not only brought people together, but it killed people too. I could say the same for Jesus (even though there is a discrepancy in his real name), but I relate to him. It is at least his name, not his group, his collectives, his followers; it’s his actual name. As I listen to “stop trying to be God” by Travis Scott, my habitual thoughts of my day – I think about how there is really no way of being able to feel the spirit fully without him, no way to “be him” without “being him” and there is no way you can put that feeling into a word. I have worked with Jesus previously. Yet, this is the first time I am doing so for the long run/more closely vs. my other messengers. He has helped before a few times, but this time I won’t forget him.
This is just a thought I had after realizing that who I am, what feelings I have in the present (core feelings) are going to be there in the future. I was thinking about someone and how to not lose control when I think of them. It is my biggest downfall because that’s when the future images start to play and expectations start, which means the hell begins. The rate of the thoughts is so immense that it makes me feel it as if it is already happening. Have you ever changed perception so profoundly, that the room starts to look different and the rest of the day follows? It’s great until it goes wrong. This constant rate shows me that I have to speak to Jesus every day for the rest of my life. I lose control quite quickly (over and over again) and have a very addictive personality. I get so lost, that I start to live my hell. Later, to realize I’ve been in it the whole time. However, it is fine until you can’t see you anymore. Then that previous feeling becomes a whole new person with an entirely new reality (possessed). This all came about from me thinking of the day that I would like to be known.
What happens if I am “known” and get pulled continuously left and right from the people that know or don’t know me? Indulging in such great things until it goes wrong or indulging on the happiness of unlimited amounts of whatever it is till unhealthy; whether it’s making a ton of money and then spending it on lots and lots of delicious alcohol, or having risky sex because I never had it.
Or even have a child and end up never lifting a finger again. Ya’know, letting go of the wheel because it’s so much better not to make an effort (it is). That really good sin, with money and easily available opportunities, and people that not only want me to suffer (deep down) but also want to show me a “new leaf,” that might as well be a damn demonic eternity -making you feel so free. I asked Jesus, “what if I get to the point that I am indulging and I get everything external to do things for me? I no longer have to do shit for myself? JESUS – WHAT IF THAT’S MY FUTURE. What do I do?” He replied, “you’re already doing that.” 
Today, I realized it is the same overindulgence in thought, especially when it comes to men; it would be the same over-indulgence I would have in the future. This overindulging breakthrough means, every step I take to break out such a habit, will protect me in the future. I know further in the future, as long as I focus on that goal, there will be a shit ton of sin. I know that is going to happen. The future with this type of overindulgence is going to be 5x stronger than what I am dealing with now; dudes are just practice. Now, I must be 5x stronger. I can’t let out my anecdote – I’m not opening that window.That’s when I realized (again – for real this time – ONE ON ONE EVERY FUCKING DAY), that I need Jesus. Feeling like, he got 5 cases of guns cause we about to go to war in this bitch.
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