[vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text]Feeling like shit when I wake up today ruins the whole day. My first thought waking up, is “I’m going to have a good day today, even if I feel manic.” Whichever way I see it, mania or not, it feels like I can’t control it – I give in to it. I feel so euphoric at one point, happy, peaceful, spiritual grounded (all the great things), then I feel one bad interaction with any stimuli swings me a whole different direction. Whether that is a goal that I didn’t complete or having my inner devil rear its ugly head to sabotage me, I can see my inner devil working more and more, as I become more aware of my choices. Before I never realized when I was saying “yes” to it coming out, and life was a lot more horrible. Now, I see, hear, and feel me saying yes to it coming out. It starts by being so fun and makes me feel that good happy – like, tapping into my own inner drug. I like it, its creative, smart fun, but crazy into hurting people – including me mentally. It starts slowly and then pushes and pushes until it gets its desires. Only, the desires of “it” push people away and make me go into burning crying episodes in the end. When I’m in it, I am in it — not seeing too much of the repercussions till it all follows.[/vc_column_text][rd_line type=”rd_line_bcolor” color=”#27f4ed” line_pos=”center”][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column width=”1/3″][vc_column_text]
It starts like this.
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Then feels like a minor confusion (okay, I guess that isn’t too bad),
which is when I realize I fucked up.
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Then it ends like this. Except, this picture should say “I got you” instead, since its already done.
This could actually contribute to why people think I am high.
[/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column][rd_line type=”rd_line_bcolor” color=”#27f4ed” line_pos=”center”][vc_column_text]It happens over and over and over and over and over again. Every day, for the past 23 years. The only difference is that they are getting closer now. There is hell on earth.
The picture above is from a movie called “What Dreams May Come” – one of my favorite movies.
There is hope. There is some kind of hope because it now feels like shorter contractions. It is due to me getting out of it quicker (solving it faster) v.s. Before it would take over and I would just sit in it or make someone else’s life hell/they would make my life hell. 
The cycle went from a month to months at a time to days or a week at a time. The contractions, are now so close (weaker) that I am still in hell randomly 1-3 times a week, but I get out of it quicker. As if, there is a part of me waiting to be born at least 1-2 times a week. It’s a tool or a gift that I pay for my curiosity. I can see my blocks in my confused state, but I am still so curious and engulfed by its temptation which puts me into the hell in the first place. I wouldn’t trade it for the world. It has given me a new set of senses. I can see it now; not only in myself but also in other people. I can see when someone else is in it or feeling like shit. I can see when they’re lost and the thoughts that follow them to keep it that way. I see them stuck. I like having that kind of power, even though I don’t know where it comes from entirely. Part of me knows exactly what to say to keep them there and part of me knows exactly what to say to keep them out. The evil pays off. Even though I regularly get in it, I feel so much more alive when I get out.[/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row]
